The Other 87

On July 29th, 2011, the USSF hired Jurgen Klinsmann to coach the USMNT. Less than a year after that, the USMNT beat Italy for the first time in it’s history. Four months after that, the US beats Scotland 5-1. What’s next? A 10-1 win over Brazil? Admission into the Eurozone and automatic qualification into the European Championships? On the heels of the US’s admittedly impressive win over Scotland, we give you the next 10 evolutionary steps in the USMNT’s road to World Cup glory…

1. A 3-2 win over Brazil. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and in a friendly when the other team is missing large numbers of players.

2. After Germany bombs out of the Euro 2012 tournament thanks to group stage losses to Holland and Portugal, Jurgen throws his old friend Jogi a bone by naming him his right hand man and director of German operations. The tactical leaps actually stick.

3. Jurgen leads the U.S. to their first-ever win in the Estadio Azteca, then stands triumphant with arms outstretched on the sidelines in a shower of batteries, beer and bags of urine.

4. Jurgen convinces Wayne Rooney that he is a long lost son of Andy Rooney and, in a fit of new-found patriotism, Rooney decides to get his American citizenship. Klinsmann then convinces Sepp Blatter to make an exception with that whole cap-tied rule.

5. After a four-hour, life affirming chat with the Klinsmann, LeBron James announces his retirement from basketball in order to fulfill his childhood dream of representing his country at the World Cup. He doesn’t make the team.

6. Timmy Chandler comes crawling back for his U.S. eligibility, only to be offered a spot on the futsal team as “Iron Man” Steve Cherundolo expresses his commitment to play through 2018.

7. Ditto with number 5., except with Mark Zuckerberg and instead of pledging to play for the USMNT, he pledges to build the best soccer facility money can buy.

8. Barack Obama releases a campaign ad so powerful and inspiring, using highlights from our 5-1 win over Scotland, that Sepp Blatter breaks down, admits every single corrupt act he’s ever committed during his FIFA reign (in an 8-hour long Youtube video), and post facto awards the U.S. the 2022 World Cup.

9. We ascend the FIFA ranking ladder, cresting around #5 in the world. Sepp Blatter, however, in his new-found sincerity, outs the FIFA rankings for a sham and creates a much more logical ranking system. The US dips back down to #20.

10. ESPN decides to up it’s soccer coverage from .127% of every Sportscenter to 2% of every Sportscenter. As the untapped potential of soccer lovers in America everywhere begins to flow into ESPN’s ratings, making it the most watched show in every time slot on TV, the channel decides to buy the rights to every USMNT match until 2100.

Back in the fall, we wrote a two-part breakdown of the art of the soccer commercial. We looked at ten notable ads, from Carlsburg’s Pub Team to Write the Future and the Secret Tournament, searching for the secrets of the genre, what it was that made particular commercials truly great.

As part of this Friday feature, we’re going to run some new, or at least new to us, commercials through our criteria, to see how they pan out and where they’d rank among the ten original ones we surveyed.

Today’s ad: We know we did one of these last week, but then Nike went and released their big Euro 2012 ad, so you’re getting it again.

Here are our criteria:

a. Number of World Class players (Up to 20 points)
b. Directing (15 points)
c. Soccer skills on display (15 points)
d. Coolness of premise (10 points)
e. Humor (10 points)
f. Miscellaneous (10 points)
g. Absurdity of premise (5 points)
h. Soundtrack (5 points)
i. Bicycle kick? (5 points)
j. Eric Cantona? (5 points)

a. a. Number of world class players: 20. I’m not bothering to count. Any ad that bothers to show Gregory van der Wiel obviously has star power to burn. I’ll even count Pato, even though he’s going to be looking for a parking space for hours.
b. Directing: 13. At times the frame can get so busy it’s tough to tell what you’re supposed to be concentrating on, and not really in the “rewards multiple viewings” way, but by and large there’s a lot of good work here. The slow and fast motion in the same shot touches, like on Sakho’s tackle at :45 and Ribery’s dribbling at 1:07. It moves fast but isn’t choppy, and remains interesting despite the lack of actual soccer in it.
c. Soccer skills on display:  8. The moves we get are nice, I particularly enjoy Sneijder’s basketball-style crossover dribble with his feet right at the beginning, but with so many faces to show the focus is less on the chaos on the pitch and more about all the people coming to join it.
d. Coolness of premise: 6. I get that the ad is designed to dovetail with Nike’s “The Chance” talent search/reality show/whatever, and it is a nifty way to get all those players whose teams are represented by different apparel manufacturers out on the pitch, but it never really goes anywhere, does it? I was sure this was going to end with Neymar and Iniesta fighting the 100 black and white players, like this:

e. Humor: 8. Two points for Ozil and Gotze and their own personal Mario Kart game, one point for the dinner scene with Pique and Iniesta running on the table, two points for the funny face Pato makes once he realizes he’s not going anywhere, one point for asking Ribery to grimace, and two points for the Ronaldo stinger at the end. I give Ronaldo a lot of crap, namely because I’m still pretty sure he’s not a good person, but kudos to him for letting himself be the butt of the joke in this one.
f. Miscellaneous: 6. I guess Pep’s taking notes for his own personal edification? Actually, upon further review, he doesn’t seem the least bit surprised by the pitch invader, which leads me to believe that he’s actually the one organizing the entire thing.
g. Absurdity of premise: 3. I honestly can’t tell whether to give it a 1 or a 5. Obviously it would never ever happen, but at the same time is it all that crazy?
h. Soundtrack: 5. I think the song works well for the ad.
i. Bicycle kick? 0. I don’t think there is one, is there? Are bicycle kicks becoming passe.
j. Famous cameo? 5. LeBron earns them the points. Would have been nice to see him on the pitch at the end though. Also, why doesn’t Eric Cantona play the security guard? He had a nice little gig as Nike’s Stan Lee for a while. Wonder what happened to that.
Total Score: 74

Final verdict: It’s not quite “Write the Future,” but it’s pretty good.

Back in the fall, we wrote a two-part breakdown of the art of the soccer commercial. We looked at ten notable ads, from Carlsburg’s Pub Team to Write the Future and the Secret Tournament, searching for the secrets of the genre, what it was that made particular commercials truly great.

As part of this Friday feature, we’re going to run some new, or at least new to us, commercials through our criteria, to see how they pan out and where they’d rank among the ten original ones we surveyed.

Today’s ad: This two-year-old Turkish Airlines spot featuring most of Manchester United

Here are our criteria:

a. Number of World Class players (Up to 20 points)
b. Directing (15 points)
c. Soccer skills on display (15 points)
d. Coolness of premise (10 points)
e. Humor (10 points)
f. Miscellaneous (10 points)
g. Absurdity of premise (5 points)
h. Soundtrack (5 points)
i. Bicycle kick? (5 points)
j. Eric Cantona? (5 points)

a. Number of world class players: 15. I mean, granted, it’s all one team, but close enough.
b. Directing: 10. I can’t tell if it’s deliberately calling back to the Brazil airport ad from 1998, but the effect is similar. At any rate, the action is well-choreographed, and the only player confusion you might experience is which one’s Fabio and which one’s Rafael.
c. Soccer skills on display:  8. Some fairly fancy juggling work, but the more claustrophobic setting hurts it in comparison to the Brazil ad.
d. Coolness of premise: 5. A couple of points docked for being a copy.
e. Humor: 6. Points for Berbatov being a jackass, and Scholes being an old curmudgeon, but most of its score in this category comes from Van der Saar’s last minute save.
f. Miscellaneous: 5. I was sure this was going to end with Scholes mistiming a tackle on someone and punching a hole in the plane, like in the Seinfeld finale.
g. Absurdity of premise: 3. They actually do this on their European trips, but the plane has a specially-installed pitch.
h. Soundtrack: 2. I’ve got nothing really to add.
i. Bicycle kick? 0. Not going to count Rooney’s for this.
j. Famous cameo? 5. Sir Bobby Robson (right?) is pretty good.
Total Score: 59
Verdict: An amusing, if not particularly standout, ad.

Mistaken Identity Edition

We sure got a kick out of this tweet yesterday, which got RT’ed by a couple of the people we follow:

I am Alex Mcleish the girl, not the football manager. RANDOM GUYS STOP TWEETING ME TELLING ME I JUST GOT FIRED!

— Alex mcleish (@alxmclsh) May 14, 2012

The struggles of poor Alex McLeish the girl got us looking for other cases of mistaken Twitter identity from the weekend. Here are ten of the ones we found:

1. 

   Wrong Yellow Submarine

   @YellowSub - Why yes everyone, we are going down! Down to the magical world of Pepperland!

2. @Eastland4Th - Can someone tell @SAF that it’s The Avengers, not Rangers, and that the Eastland 4 theater doesn’t have 20 more minutes to put on the end.
3. @PSG -Well, we’re glad Higuain is interested in the Partei für Soziale Gleichheit, but we’re not sure if he’s the kind of candidate we’re trying to recruit at the moment.
4. @TheOldLady  – WHAT’S THAT?? You say I’m UNDERFEEDED? You’re damn right, MILDRED’S BEEN STEALING THE ROLLS.
5. @OrangeCityTX - Thanks everyone! The City of Orange has lots of stadiums we’re proud of.
6. @ManCity - Here at your one-stop stud shop, you don’t have to wait 44 years to finish on top.
7. 

   Wrong Bolton

   @OfficialBolton  - Why should I change my Twitter handle? They’re the ones who suck.

8. @MON - Does anyone know why @RandyLerner keeps sending the Monsanto Company this link? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-j379JbL-xM
9. @OldScholls - Not sure if we’re going to Europe or not this summer, but I think we have plenty of seasons left in us, thanks for asking.
10.  @ManciniFanClub - Whatever you guys say, but we always thought this was our finest hour: 

League of Extraordinary Footballers 2 Edition

In honor of the release of the Avengers, we’re going back into our well of comparisons for ten more superhero-to-soccer player matches.

1. Superhero: Nightwing
Alter Ego: Robin van Persie

Once Thierry Henry left Arsenal, this one-time sidekick had to step up and become a hero all of his own. Now will he follow his namesake in shedding the red tights this summer?

2. Superhero: Iron Man
Alter Ego: Cristiano Ronaldo

Billionaire? Give it time. Genius? In a limited sense of the word I suppose so. Playboy? Most definitely. Philanthropist? He probably believes it. Slap a suit of armor on him and who could tell the difference?

3. Superhero: Ms. Marvel
Alter ego: Abby Wambach

According to Wikipedia, her powers include, “superhuman strength, endurance, stamina, flight, physical durability, a limited precognitive ‘seventh sense’, and a perfectly amalgamated human/Kree physiology that rendered her resistant to most toxins and poisons, with the added effect of making her body virtually indestructible.” In other words, she’s probably almost as good as Abby.

4. Superhero: The Atom
Alter Ego: Andres Iniesta

His ability to shrink himself allows him to slip by tackles that would maim a normal-sized player, while his tiny stature gives him an understanding of the pitch on a molecular level.

5. Superhero: Captain Marvel
Alter Ego: Chelsea strikers

It was looking rough for young Chelsea. Their center forward was weak and ineffective, like an el niño playing with men.

Until…

Roman spoke his magic catchphrase, and suddenly there was a new striker in front of them. Big and powerful, capable of scoring in the air or with a free kick. Where did he come from? Will he still be leaving for China? Only time will tell…

6. Superhero: The Vision
Alter Ego: C.J. Sapong

Able to alter his density to become an immovable force on the ball up top or to ghost through defenders on the way to getting on the end of crosses.

7. Superhero: Thor
Alter Ego: Ola Toivonen

We’re just kind of guessing here. Looks like we’re smarter than Lois Lane ever was.

8. Superhero: The Black Cat
Alter Ego: Alex Morgan

Uses her super speed and amazing reflexes to steal a late goal time and time again.

9. Superhero: Dr. Strange
Alter Ego: Chris Wondolowski

Ten goals in nine games so far this season? Somebody’s got the magic touch.

10. Superhero: The Wonder Twins
Alter Ego: Thierry Henry and Kenny Cooper

When their powers combine, they are…wait, that’s the wrong one. Let’s just go to the tape: