We’ve already examined the stereotypical pick-up XI. But what would it look like broken down by nationality? We’ve assembled some standout players from our personal experience on the field to bring you an International Pick-Up XI. 

GK – My Old Lady (Italy) – Spends his time at the back yelling about how they play football in the old country, how Totti is the second coming of Christ, and how Calciopoli was an English conspiracy that never happened.

LB – The Gentleman (England) – Sits on the backline chatting about how he has faith in Wenger’s long-term plans, completely ignoring the onslaught of goals around him.

CB – Mr. Popov (Russia) – Shows up drunk and leaves angry. Lots of unnecessary heel clips in between.

CB – Khawaaja T (Iran) – Manages to play in gold chains, jeans, and a black T-shirt without breaking a sweat.

RB – Commander Cowboy (United States) – Joins 15 minutes late because he was throwing a Frisbee; leaves 15 minutes early to throw a football.

LM – The Diouf (Senegal) – What he lacks in momentum, he more than makes up in swagger.

CM – Senor Pudge (Mexico) – Somehow this 5’2”, 200 pound hunk of player has both the height to reach lobbed balls and the speed to beat you through the middle of the pitch.

RM – The Spawn of Cruyff (Netherlands) – Can toy with you endlessly with seemingly simple moves, then leave you in the dust with a nutmeg. Every time.

LF – L’Étranger (Algeria) – Pretends to have the disaffected suaveness of a Parisian artist. Will complain about the slightest contact against him, then slide tackle you from behind and pretend he got ball.

ST – Super Eagle (Nigeria) – Knows how to do two things: pull off awkward roulettes, and sky shots over shoe goals into the parking lot.

RF – Seoul Train (South Korea) – Will destroy you for pace up and down the wing in the first half of the game, take a cigarette break, then destroy you once again in the second half.